Deconstructing Bella
by MinaBR
Summary: Beyond the layers of lies and self-deception there is the rawness of simply being. What made her who she is? An insight into the depths of the woman hidden beneath the ice princess. Part one of "The Return of Saturn Series".
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I'm only playing with her characters.**

**AN: **Welcome to the inner world of Bella Swan. Let's start the long process of getting to know this woman.

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In the highest tower of the modern version of a castle sat a princess with a heart of steel. Inured to solitude by the carefully crafted lies of her too ingenious mind, Bella didn't mind the stillness of the room. Nursing a glass of champagne between her soft hands, her unseeing eyes were fixed on a falling star. Unlike the girl she had once been, the woman she currently was didn't feel the compulsion to wish for impossible things.

Whenever those maudlin urges intruded, Bella carefully brought to the forefront of her mind the motherly advice that she used to despise: "If you reach for the stars, you will burn your hand."

It took her a while, but eventually she recognized the wisdom of her mother's words. But she didn't have the time to linger on that topic, for 2013 had arrived – time to swallow her champagne and go to sleep.

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**Happy New Year!**


	2. Chapter 2

While the rest of the world healed their hangover with copious amounts of food, Bella followed the rituals that had been dictating her life since the day she reached maturity. Ten paces to the bathroom; five minutes spent sitting on the toilet – no matter what her needs were; two minutes washing her hands; four minutes washing her face and so on.

Since it was Tuesday she wore a blue ensemble of pants and jacket. As usual, her shirt was white and her shoes were black. She didn't see the point in altering her dress code just because it wasn't a business day. Besides, it was already the second day of the year on the other side of the world, meaning that a conference call with the Japanese branch wouldn't be frowned upon.

She almost smiled – having work to do always lifted her spirits.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for reading and reviewing!**

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The employees hid their displeasure with their demanding boss, but Bella could sense their concealed feelings. She was unaffected by their hostility, for she demanded obedience not love or admiration. The human need for acceptance was a malady that she had overcome years ago – pinning for something that couldn't be accomplished by her own means was impractical.

Being a pragmatic woman, she preferred to mould herself into becoming a formidable adversary instead of attempting to garner the affection of her peers. It was a long, sometimes painful process, but she succeeded by sheer determination.

And now she stood as a demigoddess looking down on her subjects.

Feared.

Untouchable.

Isolated.


	4. Chapter 4

Thirty nine grains of rice, two lettuce leaves, four slices of carrot, two and a half inches of meat; everything else was discarded on a side plate. Bella's lunch was a studied effort to appease her hunger while preventing her body from receiving too much calories. The curious eyes of the onlookers didn't disturb her – she was used to their inquiring glances.

No salt, no condiments, nothing to over stimulate her taste buds. The perils of deriving too much enjoyment from food was well known to Bella: her body had worn the proof of her weakness until the day she overcame her need for comfort.

Comfort was for the feebleminded, and Bella Swan was her own source of strength.


	5. Chapter 5

He was one of the few people who dared talking to her. His toothless smile and eager hands made her uncomfortable, but his overblown gratitude was the thing that always sent her over the edge. It was so little, so unimportant... Why couldn't he recognize the insufficiency of her gesture? The hypocrisy of her offer?

Just a little bit of food, the part of her lunch that she wasn't allowed to enjoy. As a repayment, he shared the history of his life, the misfortune that had turned a soldier into a beggar. She didn't want to hear, she didn't want to know. But she did, because she felt that he needed not only her food, but her company too.

It made her feel human. And it terrified her.


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday, Bella' schedule: work until 1 p.m., followed by an extra large meal and a visit to Jasper, the beggar, and quite possibly her only friend. She would spend a total of fifteen minutes listening to his ramblings, then she would slip him some money, saying that he needed to eat on Sundays too. Both of them knew that he wasn't going to spend it on food – the lure of a bottle of alcohol was too much temptation, and Jasper didn't have the will or the inclination to fight his impulses.

Bella didn't mind – she was actually thankful for the fact that he could enjoy a reprieve from his harsh reality. She understood, for she wasn't a stranger to seeking oblivion.


	7. Chapter 7

While her mind was occupied with numbers and figures, Bella pushed her body to the limits of exhaustion. Her lungs ached with the need for air and her muscles burned with the strain of keeping the punishing rhythm she had set. Exercising had never been among Bella's favourite activities; nevertheless, she did it every day.

Ninety minutes on the treadmill to remind her body of the difficulties of shedding the evidences of an overblown appetite. She needed to remember, because some days when there was little work to distract her mind and no interesting books to be read, she craved the sweetness of melting ice cream on her parched tongue.

But she refused to acknowledge her cravings, so she ran.


	8. Chapter 8

Stopping at the red light of a busy intersection, Bella patiently watched the passersby. Far from being distracted with fanciful wonderings about their lives, she merely observed their comings and goings – no questions asked, no emotions involved.

However, her pattern of behaviour was disrupted by the unwelcomed sight of her one-time nemesis, Rosalie Hale. She was still beautiful, that much was true, but she wasn't the confident woman that Bella had secretly envied – she seemed weary and dispirited, a person mauled by life.

For a second their eyes met and recognition flared. Instead of the spite Bella expected to see, there was a shy wave and a sad smile.

Puzzled, Bella tried to keep her mind from dwelling on the strange occurrence. She didn't succeed.


	9. Chapter 9

On the TV, a man babbled about a natural catastrophe assailing the other side of the world. The news didn't really interest Bella, but she liked to be well informed – she was always in need of small talk material. It wasn't that she didn't care about human suffering; however she tried to avoid becoming emotionally entangled with situations beyond her control.

Usually, she didn't bother watching the commercial break, but something caught her eye: the advertisement for a movie she hadn't seen in ages. When she was young, it had captured her mind and filled her heart with dreams. She hated it, she missed it... Who cries watching "Strictly Ballroom"?

The pitiful being she used to be.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Today is my b-day! May I ask you guys to gift me with a review? **

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That night she dreamed of a past she'd rather forget. In that long lost world, she was the product of an unthinking night of debauchery that forced two unwilling people into an unhappy union. Eventually, the marriage fell apart. Within a year, her father drank himself to death leaving Bella at the mercy of the lecherous intents of the men her careless mother brought home.

One day the inevitable happened – she was stripped of her innocence by a man thrice her age while her mother entertained two other men in the next room. Bella didn't scream or fight him off, for she knew that resistance was futile – no one would come to her rescue.

She was fourteen and for the first time in her life she truly felt like white trash, though kids at school had been calling her that for as long as she could remember.


	11. Chapter 11

She woke up with a strangled cry in her throat and sweat dripping down her body. The river of memory had penetrated the den of routine, and as a result her mind had drifted to places better left forgotten.

Control was her only weapon against the chaos of her past. Calming herself, she got up from the bed and gathered the cleaning supplies. The spotless apartment was thoroughly cleaned and perfectly arranged: the place of every single piece of furniture was determined by the aid of a measuring tape – everything symmetrical, all in perfect order.

But she still felt dirty. Entering the bedroom, she went to the bed and started counting: ten paces to the bathroom; another three to the shower; scalding water; scrub her body twenty times... The rawness of her a skin was a small price to pay in order to feel clean again.


	12. Chapter 12

Going the cemetery was something she did out of some misplaced sense of duty. The grave she visited was inhabited by a person that meant little to her, besides a ticket out of her miserable former life. Fifty years stood between Bella and the man she had married as soon as she had become of a legal age.

Bella didn't miss her husband or the painful experience of having to feign enjoyment whenever his body penetrated hers. But he had provided her with financial security and a steady environment, hence her monthly visits to his resting place.

Charlie Swan never captured Bella's heart, but he had her gratitude.


	13. Chapter 13

50.5 seconds and she would be safe... safe from the sight of the fat girl with the sad eyes. Bella didn't want to fight against the obnoxious impulse to save the girl from the sorrows that drove her to eat her feelings instead of dealing with them.

She didn't want to be reminded of a time when food was her only escape from the ugly reality of abuse and neglect. Bella didn't need to revive the pain of being bullied because of her weight. That's why she altered her schedule, choosing to leave the apartment five minutes ahead of time – she needed to avoid the fat girl at any cost.

However, luck wasn't on her side. The fat girl came into the elevator, and Bella was condemned to 36.9 seconds of hell.


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: To all of you recommending this story - Thank you! You rock!**

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The slight tremor of her hands was the only external sign of her inner turmoil. The past had come back with a vengeance, in the form of Edward Masen. Being a bit of a tyrant, Bella insisted on conducting the job interviews for all the upper echelons of her company – a decision she much regretted at that moment.

Keeping a professional façade wasn't easy, especially when he kept throwing her glances she couldn't quite interpret. When the encounter came to a close with the traditional "we will let you know", Edward hesitated. He didn't know how to breach the subject, but he needed her to understand the real reason behind his visit...

"Bella, I need..."

"Mr. Masen this is a business interview and it is over."

Recognizing the finality of her words, Edward nodded and left. It would be years before he could apologize to her.


	15. Chapter 15

As she watched the departing figure of her former lover, Bella was reminded of a time when he used to be her own personal sunshine. Edward had been sweet and patient, gently coaxing her into granting him her favours. In his arms, she felt loved. And it was everything, until the day when it wasn't enough anymore.

Bella had grown weary of the clandestine meetings conducted outside of their colleague's view. She wanted to be the one he took to dances, the one he introduced as his girlfriend. When confronted with her demands, Edward chose to maintain his golden boy façade – he kept on dating the beautiful Rosalie Hale and spending his nights between Bella's thighs.

Unable to deny Edward the one thing she had to offer, Bella had unwittingly set in motion the events that led to her downfall.


	16. Chapter 16

Jasper had a new friend, Alice. Cute and defenceless, she seemed overjoyed by the prospect of sleeping in his grimy arms. He talked animatedly about how he saved her from being abused by some perverse little boys.

In Alice's eyes Jasper was a hero and it brought a unique sparkle to his entire being, for he was an old fashioned man – the kind that needed to protect everyone around him. The obvious affection between the pair had Bella aching with some unknown pain, so she made her excuses and fled from the scene.

Had she been wiser, Bella would have recognized the feeling as jealousy. Yes, the all powerful Bella Swan was jealous of a little cat named Alice.


	17. Chapter 17

A restless night of sleep put Bella in a foul mood. She had been trying to condition her bodily needs to an acceptable interval, but she was loath to admit that she had failed. So much that she spent the morning trying to deny the feverish needs of her flesh.

It could be easily settled – satisfaction was only a phone call away. Still, indecision made her hesitate for a long time, until destiny stepped in – her afternoon meetings had been cancelled. Released from the burden of bringing chaos to her own schedule, Bella felt free to dial his number.

She left the office without offering an explanation to her startled secretary – one of the perks of being the CEO of her own company.


	18. Chapter 18

He was already in position: cuffed to the bed, gagged and blindfolded – a situation designed to protect her identity and her sanity. As much as she craved being fondled by a rough male hand, Bella couldn't bear the thought of being at the mercy of a man in the throes of passion, even though she sometimes wondered if he ever truly enjoyed their encounters.

Dismissing the thought as unimportant, she undressed and neatly folded her garments. Then she went to the bed and lowered herself on his erection. It was done precisely as she always did everything – exactly 5.7 minutes after starting she reached orgasm.

She redressed and opened the handcuffs. He waited exactly 30 seconds before removing the blindfold. Emmett didn't mind indulging his client's weird kinks – as long as she kept paying his fee.

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**AN: **Yes, Emmett is a male prostitute.


	19. Chapter 19

As Bella walked out of the discreet hotel she used for her meetings with Emmett, she was met with Jasper's reproachful glare. Holding her gaze, he silently dared her to deny the nature of her activities or the shame she felt about it.

"You are too good to live like this, Bella. You need love and warmth."

For the first time in many years Bella felt the need to cry, for she was profoundly touched by the man's caring words. Overwhelmed by the unfamiliar emotion, she was incapable of denying the gift Jasper was thrusting on her hands.

Bella watched in a daze while Jasper kissed her cheek and said goodbye, for he was going home, back to his family.


	20. Chapter 20

Brought back to reality by Alice's squirming, Bella felt panic creeping on her. One slight alteration and chaos had ensued – had it not been for her unscheduled meeting with Emmett, Jasper wouldn't have left and she wouldn't be holding Alice.

Putting the dirty cat on the floor, Bella tried to leave – she really didn't need a cat bringing even more disorder into her life. But the thing followed her and her conscience prickled – Jasper had entrusted her with the safety of his beloved cat.

Sighing, Bella reached into her purse for a packet of baby wipes. After cleaning her hand and every part of the purse she had touched, Bella wrapped her jacket around Alice and took her home.


	21. Chapter 21

The thing was on her bed. It had been properly cleaned and vaccinated, but Bella still couldn't abide its presence. The furry ball thought itself above her rules and seemed to be impervious to her reprimands. Exasperated, she tried to confine it to a specific room, but it always found a way out. Worst of all, the little nuisance had a vengeful streak: it wrecked havoc on Bella's furniture whenever it escaped its prison.

And now it was on her bed. Much to her dismay, Bella realized that she didn't have the heart to dislodge the sleeping cat, especially after it opened just one eye and let out a pleading meow.

Tomorrow she was going to worry about the sheets, but today Bella just wanted to bend the rules a little ... just enough to accomodate Alice.


	22. Chapter 22

An unfortunate business decision led to a severe decline of Swan Inc.'s stock price. The shareholder's faith in Bella's leadership had been shaken, hence the necessity of meeting with the board of directors. She didn't fear the forbidding scowls of the men who had been her husband's trusted advisors, for her position within the company was indisputable.

However, Bella didn't take into consideration the thirst for revenge of a scorned woman. Esme Swan swept into the room proudly announcing that she now owned fifty one percent of Swan Inc. – making her the biggest shareholder, therefore the new CEO, according to the company's statute.

Bella had been outmanoeuvred by Charlie Swan's first wife.


	23. Chapter 23

Bella turned around and left the conference room without making a single sound. The words bubbling inside her chest refused to come out, for they were the utterances of a pissed off trailer girl, the one she refused to let out.

She left the building and went home, all the while fighting the tears that threatened to spill. Her mind was frantic with countermeasures, plans, strategies – despite the guilt she always felt towards Esme, Bella wasn't willing to sacrifice her life in order appease the woman's bruised heart.

Sitting on the couch, she pulled her notebook and started to work on her come back. However, Alice had other plans. She sat on the notebook's keyboard - she refused to be ignored.


	24. Chapter 24

**AN: Thank you to all of my reviewers - you rock!**

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There are moments when a human being transcends the limits of the tangible, touching divinity and partaking in the infinite wisdom of those omniscient beings. But such moments of glorious lucidity come with a price: the responsibility for the choice that must be made.

With eyes wide opened, ignorance is no longer an excuse. Of course, there is always the possibility to ignore the blessing of self-awareness, but the knowledge of the abandoned path will always plague the coward's mind with all-consuming regret.

Looking at her stubborn little cat, Bella received the gift of clarity. She no longer wondered – she knew.

And then Bella remembered how to smile.


	25. Chapter 25

She wasn't the shy teenager hiding in her bedroom. She wasn't the broken girl who had married an older man with a daddy fetish. She wasn't the woman who felt the need to control every aspect of her life.

Freed from the strain of having to constantly prove her valour, Bella realized that she never had the chance to discover herself. All the stereotypes she had impersonated throughout her life had been a way of dealing with a reality that insisted on hurting her.

Losing everything she thought she wanted was the biggest gift Bella ever received. The time for pretence had come to an end, now it was time to become a real person.


	26. Chapter 26

She wasn't a fool either. Bella was well aware that the riveting transformations depicted in books and movies were merely a work of fiction – in real life changing was a long process achieved mainly through the difficult choice to embrace the past, instead of running away from it.

The mere idea of tearing down the walls keeping the memories at bay had her shivering in dread, panting in panic. But she was tired of hiding, denying, suppressing ... she need to feel human again.

Would she find peace after confronting the demons of her childhood? The poor choices of her adolescence? The failure of her adulthood?


	27. Chapter 27

Plagued by doubts, Bella was unable to make up her mind as to what her next step should be. She thought about seeking professional help, but discarded the idea – she wasn't ready to let another person into the ugliness of her past.

Rediscovering the faith she believed to be long lost, Bella prayed to heaven for guidance. And it came, not as a lightning bolt, but in the form of a little cat that happened to be having too much fun chasing the bubbles on the notebook's screen.

Once, the written word had offered her a reprieve from her harsh reality. Now, she would use it as a means to purge her soul from the hurt of the past and as a way to discover herself.

So, she wrote.


	28. Chapter 28

As she penned the misfortunes of her childhood, Bella grieved for the lonely girl who had no one to kiss her goodnight. From benign negligence to undeniable rejection, she told the story of her early descent into the hell of being an encumbrance to her parents.

She allowed herself to feel the pain of knowing that her father didn't love her enough to stay alive, choosing to waste his life at the bottom of a bottle. Her heart ached with the question of why her mother hadn't bothered to protect her from the loathsome man who stole her innocence.

An onslaught of emotions clouded her brain – she felt dirty, unworthy and silly. All that writing was a futile attempt at being worthy of love, but who could love someone as tainted as Bella Swan? She was about to give up and accept her fate when her eyes fell upon Alice, the epitome of unconditional love.

And because Bella was loved for the first time in her life, she found the strength to carry on.


	29. Chapter 29

A sad little smile graced Bella's lips when she typed the tale of a betrayed girlfriend who got her revenge on "the other woman". Drunk in self-righteous anger, Rosalie led an anti-Bella campaign, driving the defenseless teenager out of school and into a life of degradation.

Bella relived the day her mother kicked her out of the house, saying that she couldn't stand the sight of her whore of a daughter. Hungry and scared, Bella was actually thankful for the opportunity to work at the strip club.

There she lost her shame and her self-respect, but ironically she also found her ticket out of poverty.


	30. Chapter 30

Having learned the fine art of seduction from a tranny named Angel, Bella was able to entice Charlie Swan into doing more than merely watching her number. Soon, she discovered that their mutual needs were complimentary: he fantasized about having someone completely dependent on him and she longed for the love of a father figure.

Many nights he wallowed in guilty, for he was betraying his wife of twenty years. Bella listened carefully, but didn't relent on her demands – she needed Charlie more than the other woman could possibly comprehend.

Eventually, lust overcame his sense of duty, and he made Bella his wife.

Just like Angel said would happen.


	31. Chapter 31

As she wrote about the two years she had spent as Charlie's trophy wife, Bella acquired the wisdom that only time can afford. She now realized that he had seen her more as a pupil than a lover – from the beginning, he had recognized in her the same ambition and hunger for stability that had always driven him.

When he died, Bella was genuinely surprised to find out that he had put her in charge of his company – not only was she the main beneficiary of his will, but also the keeper of his legacy. That's why she talked herself into believing that she truly enjoyed her position as CEO, but now that it had been snatched away, she felt like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.

Let Esme have her revenge on Bella: she deserved to have it and Bella didn't want to come back to a life that no longer suited her.

Bella had dreams to chase and a new life to plan … old habits die hard, after all.


	32. Chapter 32

The first lights of morning fell upon the slumbering woman who clutched a cat to her chest. Disregarding the rules of polite society, she had fallen asleep on the floor, right after typing the final point in what would one day become her memoirs. Despite the lightness in her heart, the exorcism of her demons had taken a toll on her body, lulling her into the least fitful rest she had experienced as an adult.

Cocooned by the motherly arms of hope, she dreamed of laughter and affection. The darkness that had always haunted her was still present, but less threatening, more bearable. She still felt the weight of her choices and the pull of self-recrimination, but even in her unconscious state Bella didn't succumb to these unwelcomed emotions. Instead, she concentrated on the fact that she was loved, accepted, appreciated … Alice was there, offering Bella her unwavering devotion. And it was everything she needed to keep the nightmares at bay.

Eventually, she opened her eyes. Staring ahead, she searched her mind for what should come next. What did she do every day after waking up? As hard as she tried, Bella couldn't remember the answer to that question. Panic constricted her throat and had her bolting up right, dislodging a very displeased Alice. Her skin was too hot, but at the same time she was shivering. Trembling, she tried to take a step, but her feet faltered.

Her frantic eyes scanned the room for a way out, a lifeline, a memory … Then she saw her notebook and remembered that her life had been forever altered, not by some event forced on her, but out of her own volition. Calming down, she acknowledged that fear and doubt would be her constant companions for a long time to come. But not knowing what would come next was also exciting, invigorating.

She smiled – the big unknown lie ahead … And she was determined to brave it with her head held high and her heart opened to possibilities.

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**AN: **Don't hate me! As you well know, this story is part of _The Return of Saturn Series_ – the last story in the series will feature a changed Bella, a woman ready to find her HEA. Throughout the series, we will catch glimpses of Bella and what she has been up to. Next story in the Series: _The Long Way Back Home_ – Jasper's story. The first chapter is already up!

**Thank you for reading!**


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